Real Life Experience

An unhappy childhood left me extremely tense and over-anxious to please. My whole goal in life was to please others and be told what to do. Gradually I began to want to disappear or be so inconspicuous that no-one saw me.

I was always depriving myself and felt overwhelmed by the expectations of my parents, and my confused desires in the nurturing of our own three children. This behaviour eventually culminated in a nervous and physical breakdown as I had become such a perfectionist. At the age of 34 I was hospitalised, and also diagnosed with anorexia nervosa.

A year later I went to a hospital in Melbourne where I remained for seven weeks. I was only allowed to speak to my husband by phone if I had put on weight – otherwise I had to stay in bed all day. I suffered terribly from depression.

Two years after this episode we moved into Melbourne to allow me to attend group therapy twice a week. Shortly afterwards I heaved up a great deal of blood and was taken by ambulance to hospital and put into intensive care with a stomach ulcer. The following year I stopped group therapy, and over the next few years I had treatment for the ever worsening ulcer and also attended a psychiatrist.

In 1991 I had major surgery to have the ulcer and half my stomach removed. The result has been "dumping syndrome" which has caused a lot of pain and anguish ever since.

In 1993 I commenced lessons in the Alexander Technique. I had been told it was very relaxing and may help my anxiety. It took me a long time to understand and make sense of it. My teacher spent many lessons cradling me as I was so brittle. I learnt through the teacher's guiding hands that with patience I could undo habits I had formed over my life that were a response to how I felt the world thought of me and expected of me. I learnt I am a whole person and not made up of separate parts with little association with the other. I learnt to soften my body, which had always felt in a brace.

Once I decided that I was not wasting money, or the teacher's time for being so slow and losing the way, I committed myself to regular lessons over an extended period. I am a slow learner, but my habits have been deeply ingrained.

Since those early lessons I have achieved far more than I could have dreamed of. Over nine years it was the times my teacher cradled me and encouraged me not to "perform" for her – just "be" and "receive" her touch. I'd always known I must DO, but in fact this attitude was part of the reason for my breakdowns and burnout.

By softening each part of my body inwardly and outwardly, I suffered less neck, shoulder and back pain. Allowing my feet to feel secure on the floor, allowing softness and following my head felt strange at first as I'd always leaned back with the feeling of fear of others and failing to please.

I realised that my intense way of doing housework made the house no cleaner, but made me giddy, faint and extremely tired with little energy for pleasure.

Thinking of the words "allow", "receive", "change", "risk", "play", "intention", "let go", and especially "softness", while slow to put into my daily activity, these have provided a constant resource to help me appreciate life.

"Intention" is a process of change through the release of old habits, especially my rigid body to softness. I thereby free up my body and also feel the wholeness of it. By allowing this to happen I invite my digestive system to open up and work as it should, just as parts of my body elsewhere have not had the chance to "be". To walk freely with my head going upwards away from my feet, my feet settled comfortably on the floor, I can allow harmony throughout.

I now feel I do not have to follow a certain pattern or recipe but just "be", even though it is often difficult as there is still quite an amount of fear that doesn't allow the freedom and softness that can feel so beautiful. I would like to take care of the aches and pains in my body and heart and I know I can, though applying the Alexander Technique. I believe that through following this process I will cope with adversity and stress with a softness and calm. I look forward to walking tall and proud, my soul feeling free and comfortable and my mind flowing like the clouds.

Out of chaos and fear I am emerging in places where nature kindles my heart. My husband and I enjoy our lives together doing only what our bodies can soften into, and within a space that makes our lives fulfilling. Our intention is to continue to develop a life of harmony, one which includes our family and the friends we are comfortable with, and to be aware of habits that need to be changed.

Five years ago I felt able to discontinue seeing the psychiatrist, having established a healing bridge between my mind and my body.

I am no longer anorexic.

I now have the courage to allow myself take up space for myself, and the constructive thinking of the Alexander Technique to make it a mental, emotional and physical reality. That such boundless serenity can follow acceptance – a true gift of life.

Copyright: Berice Ough
Permissions: First Published in Universal WellBeing 2004 Issue 95. Reproduced with kind permission of Universal WellBeing.